Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize