I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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