Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
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