If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
