new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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