Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
