just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We had sex on a dog bed..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
