Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize