did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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