I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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