in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
