Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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