I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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