All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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