how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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