I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
