Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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