I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
