i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize