im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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