So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
