so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
