Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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