His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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