the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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