It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize