Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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