I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
