my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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