hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
