They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
