I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
