nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
