He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
