can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
