Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
