i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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