Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
