____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Still dying that you shit outside
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
