Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
