Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
