6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
