Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
