ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
