The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
