Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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