I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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