Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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