Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
