he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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