Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
