You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
