Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
