help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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