I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
