Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
