Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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