I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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