The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
