We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
