I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
