I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
