i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
no you cant smoke seaweed
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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