Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
