He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
