mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
