I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
