I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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