We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
